Dying to Self

Here I sit, with a far away look in my eyes and erratic thoughts running through my mind. Not really sure if this is the path I should take but already having committed myself to staying the course; I’m Dying to Self. When I said “yes” to releasing the one area, I didn’t realize that all these other areas would come right along with it. It’s like being caught up in a whirlwind and just waiting to be tossed back to solid ground.

It’s what hopelessness feels like – only this time, I know I’m not walking alone: God is with me. After all, He led me to this path and I relinquished my desire to lead in order to follow Him. I really want to scream right now. How did we get so far away from God’s best for our lives: Relationships and work where we’ve accepted any and everything that doesn’t bring fulfillment? For me personally, I went in with my eyes wide open. Needing and wanting others to recognize just what I needed; even though I never communicated to them what I wanted or was willing to accept. I then reasoned that because they didn’t know that I would now just accept it and not cause any trouble.

Only now I’m in trouble – internally. All these emotions are running around seeking an outlet. But I know to keep my mouth quiet because whatever I say will come from a place of frustration. It’s not their fault; it’s my problem. The longer I sit here and deal with what’s going on inside of me, instead of hiding, the weaker the strength of it has gotten. I’m breathing a little bit easier and I’m about ready to continue facing the day. Note to self: there truly can be a resurrection after Dying to Self.