“Lord, I’m a MESS” is what I told God after I practically had a meltdown with him. His actions triggered the pain from all the things that have been done to me in the past by men claiming to want to be a part of my life. I thought he was gonna be different. Turns out, he’s not different. He’s just a different person and I don’t need to react the same way I did in the past.
I could barely sleep. I was a MESS at work the next day: restless, anxious and afraid. Restless because I still hadn’t heard from him. Anxious because I didn’t know if when I did hear from him, he was going to say this is the end of Us. Afraid of having to start all over again with a new person. I barely had enough energy to get started with him.
“Lord, why are my emotions all over the place?” I know that this will be the reason he uses to leave me. Why would he put up with someone who’s so sensitive about even the little things he does? Surely he’s gonna leave and find another woman that doesn’t cause him as much grief as I do. “Lord, I don’t want to be like this anymore”. This feels like a mountain I can’t climb or a prison I can’t break out of.
The next day, the Lord asked me “what if I told you that I sent him?” My final reply “then You need to tell him cause he’s acting like he doesn’t know!” I know, I shouldn’t get so weary about his actions because he’s answerable to God the same way I am. Maybe this is Us learning to trust God in our MESS. He’s still here and I’m still wondering why.
My Journey, My Story 