Even with my emotions all over the place right now and me not really “feeling” a brother, this brother sitting across from me has me feeling all kinds of ways. I’m excited because, it’s him. I’m nervous because, it’s him. And I’m scared because, it’s him. I wish the circumstances of our being here were different; mainly if WE were on an actual date and he was just as interested in me as I am in him. But I’m sure he’s read what was posted about me and in some ways I wonder if he believes it. Why am I even here? Oh yeah, to get my life back! I didn’t do anything wrong. I certainly didn’t do any of those things that guy posted. Maybe this was a mistake. What do I expect Joseph to be able to do? I’m sure this was a mistake, I’ll just leave.
“Jubilee, don’t go. I want to be there for you. I know I can’t change what has already been posted, but I do know that I want to be with you for support as you navigate through the aftermath of the lies that have been told. I know they’re lies because from the first moment you turned him down, he’s been on a mission to change your mind at all cost. How he thought posting that garbage would make you want him is beyond me. But as it stands, we’ll get through this together. I hope you don’t mind me being a constant in your life right now. I feel the need more than anything to protect you and I hope you’ll allow me too. I know you have a father and two brothers who are more than capable of taking care of you but I want to be a part of your life too. Once this has blown over, I’d like to tell you how awesome I think you are. But for now, I’ll just let you know that I’m interested and I’m willing to wait for you to work through your feelings about what has happened. When you’re ready to move on with your life, I pray you want me to be a part of it too. I’m scared right now because you’re looking at me like you think I’m crazier than my friend, but I’m not. When I saw how determined he was to get you in his bed, I should have realized that he would pull a stunt like this and I’m sorry you got hurt as a result. I’m not making excuses for him but he had a very rough upbringing and his idea of a healthy relationship has been distorted. I hope one day you will be able to forgive him for his actions, the lies he has told and for hurting you. But for now, I’d really like for you to let me know how you’re feeling.
Where do I even begin? One month ago if this man had said half of these words to me, I would have cried uncontrollably but to hear them now, can I even trust him? How do I know he’s nothing like his friend? He admitted to knowing his friends issues but how do I know he doesn’t have just as many? Is he trying to prove that I’m just as gullible as his friend made me out to be? He wants to know my feelings when I don’t know what I’m feeling: suspicious, angry, helpless, discouraged and confused just to name a few. “Joseph, I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me about what has happened. I don’t know what I thought we could accomplish other than the fact of you letting me know your friend has real issues that are totally unrelated to me. I guess I just needed someone close to him to validate the fact that everything he posted are lies. Even though I know the words are lies, it’s been hard facing my family because those words brought in an element of doubt we shouldn’t have had to face. I appreciate you letting me know that you are interested in me but right now, I don’t know if I can trust you. I wish it were different and I could tell you to wait for me but right now I can’t honestly tell you that I’d like you to be a part of my life. Both you and my mom have told me that you hope I can forgive your friend and I’m hoping that I can too but right now, I just need some time alone with God”.
Dear Father, I want to tell Joseph that he is the guy I’d love to tell all my friends about. I think they would like him as much as I do. My mom does know about my feelings for him and she loves the fact that he’s protective of me. I love that fact too. I know what happened with his friend shouldn’t matter this much but it does. It makes everything seem that much more intense and right in my face. I know this situation is trying to overtake my present and make me abort my future happiness. I don’t want Joseph to be a diversion to keep me from thinking about what’s not going right in my life. That’s too much pressure on one person. I want the calmness he brought to me as we talked about what happened. I honestly am attracted to him, however, I need more than physical attraction from him. He made me forget the whole ugly ordeal with his friend and for that I’m grateful. The things that have been happening lately make absolutely no sense right now. But I refuse to be confused or in despair. I’m forgiving his friend for every mean, hurtful word said about me. I release him from my thoughts of having to get even so he hurts like I’m hurting. I see what love looks like in my mind and I’m ready to experience it. It’s not a game or a gimmick so I don’t have to worry about being played. It may even seem like he’s unreal but that’s only because it’s not what I’m used to getting from guys. Yesterday after meeting with Joseph I literally took the time to “stop and smell the roses” and I’m so glad I did. Seems I’ve been running trying to make a life instead of living the life I got. I pray that life includes Joseph because I see the potential of not only a good friendship with him but a lasting one. Show me his heart and show him mine as you lead and direct us on this journey called life. In Jesus name. Amen
The END
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